Sexy No Jutsu
by medic2be
Summary: In which Sasuke’s sexuality is questioned. In which Sasuke wonders at the lengths he would go for love. Oh how the mighty have indeed fallen!
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Sexy no Jutsu

**Author:** medic2be

**Beta-ed by:** N/A

**Characters/Pairing:**Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke

**Type:** Two/ Three-shot (InComplete)

**Genre:** Romance/ humour

**Word Count:** 1304

**Theme:** N/A

**Rating:**T

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

**Summary: **In which Sasuke's sexuality is questioned. In which Sasuke wonders at the lengths he would go for love. Oh how the mighty have indeed fallen! Crack-fic: Sasu x Saku fluff.

**Created on:** 21/03/09

**Completed on:** __/03/09

**AN: **By the way, this is _'thoughts'_ and this; **'inner thoughts'**

* * *

**March 28 2009**

8:30pm: Sakura's 18th birthday party…

Sasuke was currently employing his superior Gekki kenkai (spelling?) in tracking and maiming the Dobe. How he had allowed Naruto to convince him that this was a brilliant idea was beyond him.

Maybe the prolonged exposure to that gay Snake Bastard, Orochimaru and his equally gay posse headed by Kabuto had twisted his mind more than his idiot tool of a brother ever had.

'_Maybe_' dare he think it? '_Could he possibly be batting for the proverbial other side?_' Sasuke's left eye twitched spasmodically at the absurd thought, despite his current attire, prompting 99% of Konoha's population to agreeing whole heartedly to his earlier sentiment.

'_Tch…Nah'_ he was Uchiha Sasuke and Uchihas were most definitely not gay, or bisexual or asexual despite popular speculation, '_what did they think? That Uchihas reproduced by budding?_' Sasuke snorted at the ridiculous notion. Indeed he had recently discovered…feelings for a certain petal haired kunoichi.

Come to think of it…it was his…feelings for said beauty that caused him to usurp the Dobe's position as village idiot, having returned 3 months ago, after a 6 year estrangement.

At least he blew Orochimaru and his band of Merry Gay Followers to the stratosphere with his idiot brother not far behind, '_the ionosphere perhaps,_' Sasuke smirked.

Back to the task at hand, he had a certain Dobe's imminent demise to carry out; Sasuke cackled earning more disturbed looks from the citizens, some remarking on his dubious choice of attire.

* * *

3 months ago…

"That must be a new record Ugly" Sai remarked dispassionately as he watched his Alter-Ego sail towards a rocky landing into the Hokage Momument, adding a wrinkle to the Godaime Hokage's face. _'Tsunade-sama will be displeased with the new alterations.'_ He mused wryly.

Naruto inwardly agreed, also among one of the many witnesses to this spectacular display of fury from his spit fire of a female team mate.

'_Sasuke-teme's sure has good timing' _he reflected sarcastically, _'Suuuuure…pick the day to return during Sakura-chan's time of month __**and**__ tired after a mission,_' Naruto rolled his eyes as he watched Sakura-chan stomping away leaving small craters where her feet landed.

Naruto shivered as he remembered the demented look passing his heart-sister's face before socking the Teme to kingdom come _'or the Hokage monument. Well... at least she wasn't pummelling me…for a change.' _Besides, the Teme deserved it for betraying the village, Naruto mused over the exchange that occurred between his two original Team 7 friends…

* * *

_4 minutes prior…_

It was a cool day in Konohagakure no Sato where ninjas and civilians alike were minding there own business.

Team Kakashi, – minus Kakashi, who had made a lame excuse to stop in Suna 3 days ago, to attend an Icha Icha Convention – had just completed an S-ranked mission.

"I can't wait to get back. Instant Ramen isn't as good as the real thing from Ichiraku's! Dattebayo!!"

"Is that all you think about Dickless?"

"Why- YOU- Bastard! Come say that to my fa –"

"BOTH OF YOU, **SHUT UP**!!!!"

The two males of Team Kakashi managed not to lose their footing by their third member's screech. Both boys winced, recognising the imminent appearance of the wrathful entity that was Inner Sakura. The last time Inner Sakura was set on a rampage, Naruto almost died of Ramen withdrawal and Sai's fingers could no longer hold a paintbrush.

Having gained the desired peace, Sakura focused her gaze towards the looming red gates of her home.

"The hell…" she trailed off, reaching the bustling commotion surrounding the sentry posts as they stepped through the gates.

There was an eerie silence as the mob noticed the dark, irritated aura emanating from a distinctively pissed pink-haired girl, known to level mountains when ticked. In the interests of self preservation the mob parted for team Kakashi, expectant looks plastered the crowd in anticipation of the ensuing carnage.

"Why is everyone looking at us like that?" whispered Naruto.

Before either of his team mates could respond, a silky smooth tenor carried through the expectant silence;

"Long time no see Dobe…**Sa-ku-ra**." The last Uchiha greeted his old team mates, casting a curious glance towards his look-a-like.

"What are you doing here Uchiha-san?" was the unexpected frosty recrimination from…Sakura?

Sasuke's eyes widened microscopically in surprise at the frosty tone. '_Uchiha-san? What happened to Sasuke-kun? Looks like I've got my work cut out for me_.'

Sasuke appraised the kunoichi before him. Sakura had indeed blossomed wonderfully in his absence, developing contoured curves over lean sinewy muscle, only brought through dedicated training. '_Hn…so she's strong, interesting...'_

'_She grew her hair out,'_ Sasuke noticed the loose tumbling waves cascading down the arch of her spine. His gaze flicked to her face, Sakura had grown into her forehead and her luminous, slanted, peridot eyes only added to her Femme Fatale appeal.

The Dobe had grown taller too, he acknowledged and judging by his guarded look, more mature too.

Meanwhile Naruto was trying to process the sight of his best friend finally home, coupled with the fact that he would soon be able to pig out at Ichiraku, Naruto was one happy ninja.

Sakura waited impatiently for the prick to answer her question and noted, with displeasure that Sasuke had only grown more beautiful. His features were more chiselled and had lost some of the effeminate softness he possessed as a genin.

His warm perusal of her and Naruto almost made her jaw drop, only by tremendous will and the repeated mantra of 'He's a traitor that hurt Naruto, Kakashi and…_me…'_ prevented her frustrated tears from spilling.

Despite everything, Sakura found it hard to maintain her cold façade as she realised, belatedly, the extenuating circumstances leading to Sasuke's betrayal. But that didn't mean she forgave him.

Sasuke's observed with regret as various emotions of shock, anger, happiness and betrayal flickered across his team mates' eyes.

'_Time to make amendments'_ he thought as he gave them his most pleading puppy eyes.

The effect was somewhat ruined as Sakura scoffed and Naruto looked on…with a rather perplexed expression on his face. His look-a-like smiled placidly.

"Ha, it'll take much more than that for me to forgive you Uchiha." Sakura sniffed.

"I'll do whatever it takes _Sakura_. Of everyone I have wronged, I hurt you the most."

Sakura gaped at the startling honest admission and searched his eyes for any hint of deception. There was none. Was it so wrong that his voice sent not unpleasant tingles down her spine? It frustrated her that after so long, he still had some semblance of control over her emotions.

Sakura smirked as an idea struck her. She had noticed Sasuke's subtle appraisal of her earlier despite his best attempts at hiding it. She could easily detect his approval.**'Time to play a little game' **Inner Sakura suggested. '_And I know just what to do'_ Outer Sakura replied.

"Then prove it Sasuke, shed your male ego and do something totally stupid, outlandish and unexpected to surprise me. And only then will I consider forgiving you."

'_Well I __**did**__ say I'd do anything'_ as Sasuke contemplated the ultimatum offered.

"Hn"

Taking that as consent, Sakura gave him a sugary smile that instantly made Sasuke feel edgy.

"Oh and one more thing Sasuke-kun" a similar saccharine voice trilled, sending Sasuke's senses to hyper alertness. The –kun did not bode well…

His assumptions were proven to be correct when:

"And your welcome!"

A second later, he had a wonderful birds eye view over his home village as he hurtled at a blinding speed towards the Hokage monument.

* * *

_Presently… whilst flying through the air after Sakura's chakra enhanced upper cut…_

Sasuke wondered exactly **what **he had agreed to as the Godaime's face loomed closer. Was it his imagination or was the rocky face grinning at him?

* * *

**AN:**

Trust me the story is heading somewhere a little more amusing soon. I just wanted to set the scene. And yes…the title is significant.

So our wandering Uchiha has returned…

"And your welcome!" refers to Sasuke's last words "Thank you" to Sakura. I thought it was oddly appropriate before she pummelled him. I wanted Sakura to be kickass but not hardened.

The next and most likely final chapter should be out by this weekend.

_Your reviews are my purpose for my writing._

Please feel free to leave reviews, ideas, comments and opinions etc.

Thanks for reading.

Medic2be

xxx


	2. Chapter 2: Perfecting the plan

**Title:** Sexy no Jutsu

**Author:** medic2be

**Beta-ed by:** N/A

**Characters/Pairing: **Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke

**Type:** Three-shot (InComplete)

**Genre:** Romance/ humour

**Word Count:** 1099

**Theme:** N/A

**Rating:**T

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

**Summary: **In which Sasuke's sexuality is questioned. In which Sasuke wonders at the lengths he would go for love. Oh how the mighty have indeed fallen! Crack-fic: Sasu x Saku fluff.

**Created on:** 24/03/09

**Completed on:** __/03/09

**AN: **By the way, this is _'thoughts'_ and this; **'inner thoughts'**

**Thank you for all your kind and positive reviews. You have no idea how encouraging it is for a novice author to see their work appreciated.**

I hope you are following the time line, I'm not really sure if it's confusing or not because it's not exactly in chronological order. But where's the fun in going chronologically?!

This fic will be a 3-shot because it'll give more flexibility for plot development.

On with the story…

* * *

Previously…

_Presently… whilst flying through the air after Sakura's chakra enhanced upper cut…_

Sasuke wondered exactly **what **he had agreed to as the Godaime's face loomed closer. Was it his imagination or was the rocky face grinning at him?

* * *

_2 months ago…_

Sasuke could not believe what he was about to do. He attributed his temporary lapse in judgment to the severe concussion sustained during the turbulent landing on the Godaime's face.

To top matters, the Hokage had made him pay for damages incurred onto her 'youthful visage' as part of his punishment for betraying Konoha. _'Tch, looks like some one was over channeling their Inner-Lee'_ Sasuke snorted.

During his convalescence, he did not see hide nor hair of the perpetrator responsible for his condition, despite having it on good authority that she was a senior member of staff in the hospital.

Sasuke wisely utilized the time during his confinement to deliberate on Sakura's ultimatum. For once, his prodigious mind drew a blank.

He could think of nothing to surprise the kunoichi. So far he only came up with saying 'sorry,' but given Sakura's reaction to his best puppy dog eyes, saying 'sorry' might cause Sakura to send him into low polar orbit…

…Which led him to his current location.

Who better to consult about stupidity, outlandishness and the unexpected than the Number 1 most Unpredictable Knuckle Headed Ninja of Konoha.

Sassuke knocked on the grotesque orange front door and waited…

* * *

_10 minutes later…_

"Open up the door Dobe or so help me –"

"Jeez Teme, keep it down. I'm coming, I'm coming."

Sasuke's Sharingan flickered, a sure sign of emotional instability.

"Where were you Dobe? I've been knocking on that hideous door of yours for the past 10 minutes."

A sheepish expression appeared on Naruto's face.

"I didn't hear you"

Sasuke glared.

"What?!" Naruto gave his best wide-eyed innocent look, "I was making ramen"

Sasuke blinked.

"Oh, and Teme…you're paying for that" gesturing to the door where a large patch of paint had eroded away due to Sasuke's excessive pounding.

Sasuke twitched, reminding himself that it would be very counter productive towards his mission if he strangled Naruto with his hitai-ate.

It would seem extortion was the latest playground craze in Konoha. His inheritance was significantly dwindling these past few days.

"Anyway Teme" Naruto walked into his bachelor pad, Sasuke following not far behind, "- to what do I owe this pleasure?"

Sasuke was currently having an intense glaring session with the appalling bio hazard that was the Dobe's apartment, and losing spectacularly.

"Dobe, you really need to clean up in here, the place is supporting eco-systems unnatural to human dwellings."

"Yes Sasu**gay**"

Sasuke hmphed in annoyance.

"Contrary to popular belief, I am **not** gay Dobe."

"Really? I heard rumours you were second in command to Orochimaru's band of Merry Gay Followers."

"Hn. Do you **want** a Chidori up your ass?"

"Sorry!" Naruto cowed under the Uchiha Patented Glare TM, version 2009, "Anyway, you never answered my question"

"Hn"

"…"

"…"

"Well…I don't have all day."

"Ineedyourhelp" Sasuke rushed, not meeting the Dobe's smug, knowing look.

"I didn't quite catch that" Naruto cupped his ear mockingly.

"Dobe, I swear –"

"Okay, okay. No need to get your Uchiwa monogrammed panties in a twist."

Sasuke glared.

"So the great Uchiha Sasuke needs MY help." Naruto milked the moment for all its worth.

Sasuke's blood chilled at the Dobe's thoughtful look.

"Let me guess, this has something to do with Sakura-chan's challenge right?"

"Hn" _'the Dobe couldn't read minds, could he?'_

"So what have you come up with?"

"Hn"

"Well, I don't think 'sorry' is going to cut it"

"Hn" _'Okay, that…was slightly creepy'_

"So you thought, me being the Number 1 Most Unpredictable Knuckle Headed Ninja would have the answer right?"

"Hn" Sasuke shuddered, discreetly, '_Very creepy'_

"Let me just finish my ramen and we can brain storm"

'_Is ramen all that Dobe ever thinks of?'_ Sasuke inwardly rolled his eyes.

"No Teme, I'm also thinking of ways to help you, being the great friend that I am." Naruto paused, "whilst eating ramen" he added as an afterthought.

"**!**"

* * *

72 hours later…

"How's abou' se-serenading her?"

"No Dobe, that was idea 472 which we reject'd 3hrs ago, 'cos the las' time I sung I got banned from all the karaoke bars in the Five Great Shinobi Nations. I's tryin to get Sak'ra's furgiveness…not kill her… " Sasuke slurred happily…well as happy as an Uchiha with the emotional range of a tea spoon could manage.

Having come to a lack of inspiration 3 hours ago, the two exhausted shinobi had decided that potent mental stimulants were in order.

Six pitchers of sake later, both were riotously drunk and no closer to solving Sasuke's dilemma or coming up with any new ideas that fit the criteria. Most were too clichéd and the rest so pathetic that calling them ideas were an insult to their combined intelligence.

The mental stimulation did not seem to be taking effect, as Sasuke still felt uninspired. _'Maybe some more sake will help'_

He reached to swipe the half full jug when the Dobe smacked him, in the process knocking the key to mental stimulation over.

"Wazza for Dobe?!!…I was gonna drink zat"

"I've got it!" the Dobe claimed, surprisingly sober.

"…Huh?..." was the ground breaking reply

Sasuke strained his neck to glare at the Dobe, not liking at all, the foxy grin breaking across his features.

"Wanna hear it Teme?" Naruto chirped excitedly

"Hn…it can't be as bad as giving Sakura a public strip tease…" '_Although the idea does have its merits…'_

Naruto whispered the plan to Sasuke.

He was right, he did not like it.

"The fuck Dobe! You've got to be kidding me?! That's the most stupid, outlandish and unexpected plan I have ever had the misfortune to hear." The utter preposterous idea had jolted Sasuke out of his drunken stupor.

"Exaaaactly" the Dobe gloated "what would you do without me Teme?"

"Well…for one, my ear drums would still be intact." Sasuke dead panned.

"You're just jealous of my stupid, outlandish and unexpected genius!"

Sasuke snorted at the Dobe's last contradictory statement _'tch…Baka…'_

"Whatever Dobe, you've only just marginally graduated from a dead last to a second to dead last."

"Hey! You'd better appreciate it Teme, not only did you waste 72 hours of my life, - which by the way, I'm never going to get back- you drank all my best sake!"

The last declaration proved too much for Naruto, 3 days of no sleep and imbibing enough alcohol to knock an elephant out cold, finally took its toll.

Sasuke managed a high-pitched giggle before face vaulting into the empty sake pitcher. The porcelain shattered, giving him another concussion, which he later blamed for his lunacy during Sakura's 18th birthday party.

* * *

AN:

So the plot thickens…

Poor Sasuke…everyone's extorting him…

Sasuke…strip tease…mmm…(please excuse the author whilst she staunches her nose bleed)

What is the grand plan?

What happened at Sakura's party?

Why is Sasuke even agreeing to Naruto's plan with minimal resistance? (And no, it's not the apocalypse)

Stay tuned for the final chapter of Sexy no Jutsu!

Reviews, thoughts, ideas are welcome and appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3: March 28

**Title:** Sexy no Jutsu

**Author:** medic2be

**Characters/Pairing:**Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke

**Type:** Three-shot (Complete)

**Genre:** Romance/ humour

**Word Count:** 855

**Rating:**T

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

**Summary: **In which Sasuke's sexuality is questioned. In which Sasuke wonders at the lengths he would go for love. Oh how the mighty have indeed fallen! Crack-fic: Sasu x Saku fluff.

**Created on:** 24/03/09

**Completed on:** 27/03/09

**AN: **By the way, this is _'thoughts'_ and this; **'inner thoughts'**

**Here's the final chapter! Hope you like!**

* * *

March 28 2009, 1 hour before the party: the Uchiha Compound.

"I'm insane," Sasuke groaned as he looked at the reflection in the mirror. He could not believe, after 72 hours of brain storming, 3 of which was spent drunk, that THIS was the master plan.

"What Sasu-**chan**? I think you look _very_ sexy," Naruto teased, for once in a barely audible tone, having strained his voice box due to a severe case of Unstoppable Laughing Syndrome.

He honestly did not think the Teme would go through with the plan._ 'He must be desperate to win back Sakura-chan's forgiveness and… love'_

Naruto snickered, '_and Sasu-__**chan**__ thought he was hiding it sooooo well_.'

How the mighty had indeed fallen…and at the hands of a diminutive, genetically challenged pinkette too!

'_Truly_' as Naruto mused, _'Team seven were a bunch of odd balls all suffering from various degrees of emotional idiocy. Just as well they've got me to help them.'_

Naruto was pulled out of his thoughts;

"Dobe, does this make my bum look big?"

* * *

March 28 2009, sometime in the evening…

It was official; on 28 March 2009, Uzumaki Naruto was admitted to hospital in the late hours of the evening, suffering from torn abdominal muscles.

His last words before being anaesthetised were; "I never knew THE Uchiha Sasuke could make such a convincing **She-male**!"

* * *

2 months ago…

The day after the 3 nights before…

The Uchiha was suffering the after effects of the past 3 or 4 days, cursing his stupidity for coming to the Dobe in the first place.

"Right Teme, Sakura-chan's birthday party would be the perfect time to carry out the plan. Seriously Teme, a fancy dress theme, some one up there loves you."

"Or wants to humiliate me"

"Or that." Naruto agreed exuberantly.

How the Dobe could still be so loud and energetic after almost 3 days of no sleep and imbibing toxic levels of alcohol was beyond him.

Sasuke groaned in pain and his impending doom.

* * *

March 28 2009, 8:25pm… 

Despite the party not officially starting for another 5 minutes, Sakura's apartment was already a hive of activity.

Everyone had enthusiastically participated in the fancy dress theme. In fact her shishou, dressed up as a Pirate was already drunk and was currently berating Gaara, who came as a Panda, on the proper protocols of 'Parlé.'

Sakura navigated her way towards the kitchen, politely greeting all her well wishers. She never made it, as a boisterous blond decked out in full Hokage regalia swallowed her delicate frame in a bear hug.

"Happy birthday Sakura-chaaaan." The fox boy shouted in happiness

"Thanks Naruto, and the ramen vouchers were…inspired."

"Thanks Sakura-chan, I have a surprise for you" Naruto gave her his famous foxy grin

"Why do I get the feeling you're up to something?" Sakura narrowed her eyes warily.

Naruto waved his hand nonchalantly and shouted, "Oi Teme! That was your cue."

Sakura peeked curiously over Naruto's shoulder towards the doorway.

There was a loud thud as every participant at the party stopped whatever they were doing, jaws collectively hitting the floor with such force that the resounding tremors registered 9.1 on the Richter scale in Suna.

Inner Sakura whimpered deep in the recess of Sakura's subconscious, permanently blinded and mentally scarred by the travesty she had just witnessed.

Outer Sakura blinked owlishly, her mind not comprehending the…hallucination her visuals were perceiving!

She rubbed her eyes, blinked rapidly and pinched herself. Several times.

'_No! It couldn't be?!'_

Not only did Sasuke, THE Uchiha Sasuke actually make an effort to dress up for her party, he (or was it she?) came as…

…a Harem Belly Dancer?!…of the female persuasion?!...

…or more accurately;** 'the **_**cross-dressing**_** female variety?!' **Inner Sakura provided helpfully before retreating to wail in envy at Sasuke's exposed legs.

It was indeed true, Sasuke had neglected the Sexy no Jutsu, preferring to wear a gold sequined, midnight blue bikini top –_'Oh my Kami, was that fake silicon breasts?! Wait! Is that... a wig and MAKE-UP???!!!!!' – _and matching midnight blue, silk, gold sequin bordered skirt, giving Sakura (and by extension, the rest of the attendants) a blushing half irritated, half embarrassed, 'pleading-for-forgiveness' look.

'…**!**...' was the general reaction, before:

"I **knew** you were Orochi – gaylord – maru's emo chicken ass haired boy toy." His look-a-like, Sai remarked blandly, breaking the stunned silence oppressing the room.

Sasuke sweat dropped.

Sakura's poor mind finally snapped, she blinked once before clutching her stomach and cackling like a hyena.

The previous shocked silence suffocating the room subsided as everyone either looked away in perturb, grabbed the nearest hard liquor or joined in the laughing.

Sasuke twitched as he waved goodbye to the last vestiges of his male pride. He mentally reminded himself to hunt down and maim the Dobe.

But as he looked up, catching the soft look in Sakura's eyes, which conveyed her amusement and forgiveness, Sasuke realised his utter humiliation was just a tad bit more bearable.

For her forgiveness…he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

Outtake…

Somewhere in the deepest, darkest pits of hell, Orochimaru, Kabuto and their band of Merry Gay Followers swooned in orgasmic glee.

* * *

AN:

I wonder how many of you saw that coming?

A pat on the back if you did, review if you didn't! :-P

I love Sai, a legend! Only he can say something like that!

Sequel? Yes? No? Maybe?

Reviews, comments, ideas etc. are welcome and appreciated!

And thus concludes Sexy no Jutsu!

Medic2be

xxx


End file.
